


The Curious Incident of the Nyx in the Night-Time

by jonphaedrus



Series: What Does M.T. Stand For Anyway? [1]
Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Chatlogs, Gen, i am several scarves and not a guy, playing low status to eleven scarves, probably some spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-15
Packaged: 2018-09-07 22:37:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8818879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jonphaedrus/pseuds/jonphaedrus
Summary: [SPIDER]: this just in[SPIDER]: ardyn doesnt remember[SPIDER]: what happened last night[SPIDER]: like at all[SPIDER]: he just looked at the duct tape and asked me if he should be worried[SPIDER]: im going to fucking lose my mind





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is the coffeeshop au aka "the au where aranea is the worlds most long-suffering barista and everyone makes fun of ardyn repeatedly, at length"
> 
> this is hands-down the dumbest thing ive written in years. this fic is also super messy but i dont even care any more
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> [glasses! ardyn from pud](puddraws.tumblr.com/post/154336224575/this-is-all-jonphaedruss-fault-for-saying)

It was half past three in the afternoon and Aranea was taking her lunch break when Ardyn dragged his sorry carcass into the shop and appeared, bedraggled and miserable-looking, in the break room. He was wearing five scarves, a beat-up Crownsguard sweatshirt that he’d clearly stolen from Cor, what looked like an absolutely ancient pair of well-worn hiking boots, and had somehow tamed his hair into a thick ponytail that puffed hopefully out the back of his scarves, rather than just cramming it under his unfortunate hat.

He was also wearing a pair of jeans.

Aranea had literally _never seen him_ in a pair of jeans, and she had been working at the shop for almost five years.

“You,” Aranea said, as he practically crawled over to the table and fell over, mashing his cheek into the plastic top, “Look like shit.”

The remains of her boss, valiantly attempting to melt, replied, “Do not speak to me or I shall have to kill you.” Aranea just continued to eat her sandwich.

“I didn’t even know you were willing to stoop low enough to own a pair of jeans like the rest of us.”

“I don’t.” He still didn’t lift his head. “They’re Cor’s.” Aranea nodded sagely, chewed on her PB&J. Yeah; he was definitely hungover enough to just grab the first thing his blind and grasping hands encountered when he rolled out of bed at noon or whatever. That explained a lot about what he was currently wearing. He laid there for a while longer as she finished eating, and then with the kind of gentle whine that, if he had been a puppy, would have made her want to kick him, Ardyn lifted his head and blinked at her with red, bloodshot eyes.

He was wearing...glasses?

How long had he needed glasses?

“Aranea,” he whined, softly. She stared back at him, unmoved. “Aranea, my spider, please,”

“I’ll make you your stupid hangover drink.” It was the nastiest thing she’d ever seen but he swore by it. Ardyn sighed in relief and folded his hands over his head as if in prayer.

“I always knew Lolth was a benevolent and kind deity, and she had sent me you to protect me.” She just shook her head at him.

“You’re so fucking weird.”

He followed her, like a really unhappy cat who wants something but knows they won’t get it, back out into the shop proper as she tagged Biggs out for his break, and sat down at one of the empty tables, looking miserable and deflated while she made his drink. He had shared the recipe with her a few years back, and as far as she could tell it didn’t actually _do_ anything, but it sure was gross. Two parts coffeegrounds, one part boiling water, that then got added to the largest cup size they had and all the rest was filled with diet Pepsi. Steep for twenty minutes, then shotgun.

Take with an Excedrin Migraine, and pretend you were functional.

She’d done it a total of once, thrown up for twenty minutes, and never done it again.

When it was done she brought the cup over and set it in front of him, lip curling at the smell of warm soda. “There you go, boss. Don’t go using it all at once.” The head of red hair that had previously been Ardyn Izunia made an unhappy noise back at her, but he dragged himself upright and popped the lid off of the cup, and started to chug.

Shuddering and disgusted, Aranea went back behind the counter to continue working on peeling the duct tape off of the ceiling from the night before, balanced on a stepstool, as there was nobody coming in at the moment asking for anything. The tape had really gotten stuck to the ceiling; at least it wasn’t drop tiles but was instead wood, so it would probably leave a residue she could actually get off. She’d have to use Goo Gone. Scraping at the tape with the ice scraper Biggs had dug out of his car, Aranea was surprised when Ardyn cleared his throat, and looked down at the man to find him staring up at her, his cup empty and a grimace on his face.

He did, actually, look conscious. So that was a marked improvement.

“Aranea,” Ardyn finally began, “Why is there duct tape on my ceiling? Because that was not there the last that I checked.” Aranea blinked at him, absolutely stunned. He stared back at her, and rubbed his unshaved chin. “You’re looking at me like I should know the answer to that question.”

“Do you not remember?” He stared back at her, baffled. “Wait, _seriously_?” Wedge looked up from where he was fighting with one of the blender cups to _also_ stare at Ardyn.

“The way you’re saying that makes me think I need to be worried.” Ardyn paused, his brow furrowed. “Did I...do something last night? At the party?”

“Oh,” Aranea said, unable to pick her jaw up off of the floor, “My Gods.”

 

 

Every year, M.T. and Kingsglaive had a joint holiday party. They traded which shop it was held in back and forth depending on a) the year and b) whether or not Drautos and Ardyn were on speaking terms. This year, the venue had been M.T., which meant that the night before they’d held a holiday party for some thirty employees and friends and family. Just like every year, people who didn’t work at either place got invited, and just like every year, Ardyn somehow got drunk.

It always happened. Every year. Afterward, hungover and dying, he would swear off of alcohol forever. And every year, without fail, the holidays would come and he would drink and then lose his filter completely. It didn’t help that Aranea and Nyx would consistently ply Cor with alcohol too, trying to convince him to get drunk enough to spill dirt on his boyfriend, but it never worked.

This particular year, somehow Nyx’s adopted sister’s girlfriend’s brother, the high-flying smarmy human rights lawyer who was so slimy he made Ardyn look like a mature and upright productive member of society, had been invited. The resulting absurdity had been so completely incredible that Aranea had an entire photo folder on her phone for it now, and it would no doubt be the stuff of _legends_.

And Ardyn.

Didn’t remember.

 

 

“Oh,” Aranea said, unable to pick her jaw up off of the floor, “My Gods.”

And dug out her phone from her back pocket. She stopped scraping duct tape off of the ceiling to text, opening one of her group chats—this one was named _ANAAL,_ or, if you were to use its proper name, _Absolutely No Ardyns Allowed to Look_. It contained some fifteen or so people who knew the man, and existed for the sole purpose of being able to communicate about her boss without him knowing.

[SPIDER]: this just in

[SPIDER]: ardyn doesnt remember

[SPIDER]: what happened last night

[SPIDER]: like at all

[SPIDER]: he just looked at the duct tape and asked me if he should be worried

[SPIDER]: im going to fucking lose my mind

[KNIFEx3]: ARE YOU SHITTING ME

[SPIDER]: I WISH TO THE ASTRALS I WAS

[KNIFEx3]: AND HERE I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS

[KNIFEx3]: HE GETS DRUNK AND HE CANT EVEN REMEMBER WHAT HE DID TO ME

[SPIDER]: this is literally the funniest thing that i think has ever happened to me and im counting the time that someone thought we were dating in that

16875442388: I’m not surprised in the slightest.

16875442388: Given that when I woke up this morning to go to shift, he actually started crying because he thought I was moving out, I don’t think last night goes high on his list of “successes.”

[SPIDER]: we cant tell him

biggy: we should absolutely not tell him.

weggy: my lips are zipped.

[KNIFEx3]: r u kidding me ara im not even fucking

[KNIFEx3]: speaking

[KNIFEx3]: to him???

[KNIFEx3]: 

16875442388: Aranea, are you expecting me to lie to him for you.

16875442388: Lying to him is impossible. He always knows.

16875442388: It's like a sixth sense. Or a seventh sense, since his sixth sense is knowing when someone is selling scarves within a twenty-foot radius of him.

[CROW]: I just laughed so hard I inhaled my godsdam peanuts

[SPIDER]: no I know you wont lie to him just like

[SPIDER]: if he asks you just

[SPIDER]: evade?

16875442388: You say that like I’m good at evading.

[SPIDER]: you literally spent an hour and a half last night avoiding telling me if his nips are pierced I think you can do it big boy

[SPIDER]: which, for the record, I still dont know

[SPIDER]: and I want to

16875442388: I am not telling you.

16875442388: But your point is valid.

Drautos: I leave u ppl without a proper adult for 1 night.

Drautos: Nyx, I expect a full report.

[KNIFEx3]: trust me when you get it you will not believe a word of it but its yours bossman

Lazarus: and this is why I never go to your stupid holiday party.

Big Guy™: nyx do I even want to know?

[KNIFEx3]: believe me libertus you missed the party of you LIFE

[CROW]: I cant wait to tell luna omg

[CROW]: especially not after ravus apparently fell down the stairs today from being so hungover from last night

[CROW]: she didnt want to say but I think he cried

[SPIDER]: perfect

[SPIDER]: youre all my heroes my favourite people

[SPIDER]: lets

[SPIDER]: see

[SPIDER]: how

[SPIDER]: long

[SPIDER]: he

[SPIDER]: lasts

16875442388: When this bites you in the ass, you can’t say I didn’t warn you.

16875442388: Because I’m officially warning you.

16875442388: This is going to bite you in the ass.

[SPIDER]: #yolo

 

Aranea shoved her phone back in her pocket and looked over at Ardyn, who was staring at her with suspicious, narrowed eyes. He took off his glasses, and started chewing on one of the legs.

“Aranea, my spider,”

“Yes, Ardyn?”

“What were you texting everyone?”

“Nothing.” It was a bald-faced lie, but he just stared at her. “You’ll find out later.”

“I don’t like the sound of that.”

 

 

The rest of the day at work was unremarkable, and just full of Ardyn bitching about trying to balance books with a hangover being impossible. After closing, she went home, and spent the entire evening grinning to herself. It was half-past eleven last night when her phone on the bedside table started buzzing, and Aranea grabbed it and set down her cocoa. Cindy was asleep sprawled next to her, exhausted from a long day in the garage, and as it turned out—it was one of those text chains that made it really fucking hard to not burst into laughter.

16875442388: He asked me what he did last night.

biggy: whatd you tell him

16875442388: Well.

[KNIFEx3]: PLEASE

16875442388: I informed him that he got drunk. Which was technically not a lie.

[SPIDER]: what did he say???

16875442388: He told me the following:

16875442388: “I remember Ravus trying to convince me he’d been a champion at beer-pong, which was a fucking lie. And then I remember not having any beer, so using a bottle of vodka. I know you told me it was a bad idea.”

16875442388: It was a bad idea, but since when has he ever listened to me?

16875442388: “After that, the next thing I remember is being in bed and you throwing a clean pair of underwear at my face.”

16875442388: “So what happened in between?”

[SPIDER]: I WOKE UP MY GIRLFRIEND

[SPIDER]: IM LAUGHING SO HARD

16875442388: I informed him that you’ve all instructed me not to tell him.

[CROW]: ara you’re dead dude

[SPIDER]: #WORTHIT

16875442388: He looked me dead in the eyes and told me that he was going to personally make your life a living hell until he figured out what had happened.

Weggy: im taking it to my grave

[SPIDER]: nyx,

[KNIFEx3]: yes

[SPIDER]: please write on my grave

[SPIDER]: that I died as I lived

[SPIDER]: making ardyn izunias life hell

[KNIFEx3]: you got it arara.

Drautos: can u kids chill some of us r tryin 2 sleep

 

Cindy blinked at the light from Aranea’s phone screen, and then looked up at her, eyes bloodshot and tired. “Seriously,” the other woman mumbled, “What did he do _this_ time?”

Aranea grinned.

“Well,” she slid down in bed, rubbing her hands together in glee, “Let me tell you _all about it_.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [SPIDER]: you can’t fire me I quit  
> …………...slime man: Aww ! Best idea, then .

Prince Noctis always tried to arrive unobtrusively—he’d duck in the door to the shop, usually tucked into his giant hoodie and baseball cap, pretending he was on his phone. Usually Ignis and Gladio would play along and pretend to be doing something else as well, but Prompto was always the weak link. Today, the boy bounded ahead and tossed the door open, sticking his fluffy blond head of hair past the edge of the doorframe and waving, excitedly, to Aranea.

“Hi Aranea!” He was wearing Heelies today, and he skidded across the floor to the counter to meet her. She sighed and put on her best smile as the other three came in behind him, Noctis waving more sedately. “You’re uh. I like your hair today!”

“Thanks!” She replied. Customer service smile: on. Personal opinions: off. Her sexuality: out. Prompto’s sexuality: _definitely_ not out. She was forcibly kept from opening her mouth and telling him he was the (second) gayest person she’d ever met and he didn’t have the title of the #1 spot because her boss had walked in that morning in a skintight red shirt that was the exact wrong shade to match his hair. “I wasn’t expecting you guys so close to the holidays. I thought you were all out of town with Noct’s parents?”

“Aunt Sylva and my father got in a fight, so we all came home early.” Noctis confided as he got to the counter. “But I brought you a souvenir from Tenebrae!” He dug in the puffy vest he was wearing and pulled out a resin magnet, with a strange tree spider in it. “It’s apparently their largest native spider. So here.” He passed it over to her.

Aranea was so happy with it she immediately stuck it to the milk steamer. “You boys want your usual?” She asked, and got a chorus of confirmations as she started on the four orders as they paid and tipped extra gil into the tip jar. They made small talk, asking about how the holiday rush had been, and she asked about their vacation, dodging Prompto’s really bad flirting, before Noctis finally decided to come to the point.

He crowded over the edge of the counter as she stirred Prompto’s iced latte, and after glancing wildly around the shop, pulled the boyband up behind him and dropped his voice to a conspiratorial hush. “Did what happened at the holiday party actually happen?”

Aranea stared at him. “Wait,” she asked, “How did _you_ find out?” Luna, probably; she and the Prince were thick as thieves, and she’d spent most of the holidays with them in Tenebrae, much to Crowe’s unhappiness. Crowe, of course, had actually _been_ there, as had her brother. No doubt she'd heard the entire story from both of them. To her surprise, though, the Prince instead looked sheepish.

“My sister found out because Gladio overheard our Dad talking to our Father about it who had heard it from Drautos who had been discussing it with Cor in the Crownsguard showers because Monica had heard Ardyn bitching about it to Cor. And...also Luna mentioned something had happened but she never got a chance to tell me what.” The absurdity in that wildly convoluted statement about the Insomnia grapevine was incredible.

“So did it happen?” Ignis looked curious as he asked it, and Aranea looked at the boys and broke into a wide smile, nodding, totally unable to wipe the grin off of her face.

“It _absolutely_ happened.” She pointed above the counter, where there was still a little bit of duct tape residue that she still had to finish getting off the ceiling. “Evidence is right there. I’m not cleaning the rest of it off until he cracks and begs me to know the details.”

“Cracks and begs you to know _what_?” Ardyn asked, silky, in her ear.

Aranea yelped and jumped in surprise, sloshing iced coffee everywhere and slamming the top of her shoulder into Ardyn’s sharp chin. He grunted, and accidentally elbowed her, and they ended up in a tangle of scarves, too-sweet soy latte, and what felt like an extra pair of knees as the cluster of twentysomethings snickered at them.

Ardyn, as per usual, regained his composure first, dramatically throwing his matching glittery gold and silver scarves back over his shoulder and straightening his too-tight candy apple red shirt as it rode up, revealing about two inches of his stomach. He looked despairingly at his maroon patent leathers, and sighed in anguish at the coffee currently all over them. “Ara _nea_ ,” he chided her. “My _shoes_.”

“Oh, grow up.” She was already doubling over and pulling out one of the mop-up cloths and wiping down the floor (and yes, his shoes) while Ardyn gingerly started getting everything back together and whipped up a soy latte about fifty times faster than Aranea ever could, showing off his absolute perfection at anything he actually did. He was so criminally lazy you would think he had no skills, but the damn man was good at _everything_ if he could be assed to turn his hand to it. “It’s your fault for sneaking up on me.”

“You should be prepared for every possibility.” Ardyn capped the latte and spun it across the top of the counter to Prompto, who barely caught it, and he moved out of her way to do Gladio’s extra-hot steamed mocha while she scrubbed down the counter. “That, of course, includes beer pong with vodka. For that, you need a wasted youth, a designated driver who really likes you, and a whole hell of a lot of self-hatred.”

The four boys boggled at him. Ardyn giggled.

“What, I thought you had heard about what happened at the holiday party? I suppose I am rather getting on in years to be able to hold quite that much alcohol, but even I can still make Ravus put his money where his mouth is.” He stretched all the way over Aranea’s head to place Gladio’s cup before him, and then started work on Noctis’ drink last. It was one of those super-frilly ones, the kind you could get from a chain store but was always off the official order list on a place like theirs—all coffee and ice and sweetened milk.

“That much vodka is way bad for you,” Gladio sniffed. “I’m surprised that you were even coherent enough to stand on the counter. Or stand. At all.”

Ardyn turned to look at the boys with wide, hopeful amber eyes, and Aranea looked up and scowled. “Hey!” She pointed at Gladio. “Too much information!”

“What?”

“He,” she explained, pointing at Ardyn, who just shifted his foot to the side and dug his heel into her hand, “Doesn’t remember what happened.” She debated hitting him, but instead just yanked her hand back before he bruised it. “So don’t tell him.”

“Well, I know it involves me getting on the counter.” Ardyn ran the blender, and then paused as he was doing it, the shrill whine of blender blades loud as his face took on a pensive cast. He stopped. “I didn’t try to pole dance again, did I?”

“This isn’t Kingsglaive,” Aranea hipchecked him away from the blender and took it back over, filling up Noctis’ cup. “We don’t _have_ a pole.”

“Well, now you’ve gone and confirmed I didn’t try to pole dance.” Ardyn clapped his hands together, and beatifically kissed the top of her head. “Thank you boys, without you I would be a little lost duck in the ocean!”

“Oh!” Noctis perked up as Ardyn prepared to waltz back into the back room, “Ardyn, Cor said he wants his peacoat back.” Ardyn sighed, and waved.

“Fine! Tell him I’ll pick him up!” That did explain a lot about why, when he’d come in that morning, he’d been wearing an actually really nice black pea coat, and not his usual strange black winter coat. The one with extra scarves sewn into it. He was a serial clothes stealer. He’d even borrowed some of Aranea’s shirts before. “Aranea, my spider,”

“What, slime man?”

“Get Biggs and Wedge to try moving around furniture to see if we can install a pole.”

Aranea closed her eyes, bent over, and banged her head into the counter a couple of times for effect. Then, not looking up, she handed the Prince his cup and sidestepped to get Ignis’ perfectly normal extra-hot plain black Ebony coffee.

“Great.” She looked at the boys. Even Ignis looked chagrined. “A stripper pole? Now I’m going to have to see him try and dance again, and he tried that last year when we were across the street. He fell flat on his ass and bruised his tailbone and spent the rest of the night insisting the only comfortable place to sit was Cor’s lap, and let me tell you, I’ve never seen a man look so uncomfortable about having a boner before _or_ since.”

“That’s disgusting,” Ignis said, as Noctis looked consternated, and Aranea nodded solemnly.

“Here’s your drinks, boys.” She passed the coffee over. “But yeah, anyway. It did actually happen.” She looked around this time as she said it, extremely suspicious. She even slid over behind the counter to have a clear view of the back room, where she could see Ardyn, just to be _sure_ he wasn’t sneaking up on her or trying to eavesdrop, before she came back and pulled out her phone. “I have _photos_.”

“Oh man, I wanna see,” Prompto whispered, and the boys craned over as Aranea unlocked her phone and gave the extra passcode to get into the photo album entitled _Nyx is hung AF_.

And then, picture by picture, the Prince and his entourage very slowly had their eyes widen to saucer-size, all of them completely unable to believe what her phone was showing them.

 

 

[SPIDER]: hey jackass

Big Guy™: that could be literally anybody in this chat.

[SPIDER]: hey kinda hot jackass

[KNIFEx3]: awww, ara, lil old me?

[SPIDER]: HOT JACKASS WITH A NICE HAIRCUT

[CROW]: you rang~?

[KNIFEx3]: hey, I resent that insinuation

[KNIFEx3]: my haircut is great?

Lazarus: yeah, if you could only see it from the side in the mirror when you were buzzing it.

[KNIFEx3]: at least I don’t look like tepid bathwater personified

biggy: ooh

weggy: 

Lazarus: ulric, meet me behind the Glaive for an ass kicking in twenty minutes

[SPIDER]: ok crowe thats a valid point

[SPIDER]: your haircut is perfect

[SPIDER]: and youre super hot

[CROW]: ;)

[SPIDER]: but you’re not the one i’m looking for

[SPIDER]: COR IS WHO IM LOOKING FOR

16875442388: Did it finally come back to bite you in the ass?

16875442388: I’m sorry I wasn’t there to see it.

[SPIDER]: how tf did the prince find out?

16875442388: I.

16875442388: I’m assuming his parents?

[SPIDER]: well yeah but they came in here and almost blew the whole thing

16875442388: …

16875442388: What is he doing.

Drautos: I like how u immediately assume hes up 2 something

biggy: hes always up to something.

[SPIDER]: he wants to install a pole so he can poledance

weggy: absolutely not. Not after last year.

16875442388: Oh no,

[SPIDER]: OH YES.

16875442388: I am sighing right now.

[SPIDER]: please talk him out of it

16875442388: You say that like I can talk him out of anything?

Drautos: u can have ours

Drautos: Even nyx wont use it after last year.

[KNIFEx3]: I don’t even know why we HAVE one we’re a classy joint

Drautos: reggie’s idea

Big Guy™: i’m just going to pretend I never read that

Lazarus: that’s more than I wanted to know

biggy: are you saying

weggy: that the king can pole dance?

Drautos: well im not saying he can

Drautos: or that he should

Drautos: but it is something he is capable of

16875442388: Please, Drautos.

16875442388: Why do I feel like I'm going to get convinced into letting him do it anyway.

[SPIDER]: WHY DO I HAVE FRIENDS

 

 

At midnight, Aranea’s phone buzzed, and she extracted her arm from under Cindy to fumble to grab it, and checked the message on her lock screen. It wasn’t from ANAAL, it was a direct text.

…………...slime man: <https://www.poledanzer.com/poledanzer.10.permanent.spinning.partypole.html> …………...slime man

…………...slime man: Look at what I found !!…………...slime man

…………...slime man: Should be getting delivered sometime next week . ;-3c…………...slime man

…………...slime man: Good idea or best idea ?…………...slime man

[SPIDER]: do we even have that kind of money

…………...slime man: Answer the question, Sweetie Spidergirl :-)…………...slime man

[SPIDER]: I hate you

…………...slime man: That’s not an answer !…………...slime man

[SPIDER]: you can’t fire me I quit

…………...slime man: Aww ! Best idea, then .…………...slime man

 

She dropped her phone on her face.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 16875442388: Your Majesty, my boyfriend is not your embarrassing holiday photo.  
> [unlisted number]: He is now.

For Couple’s Day, Aranea got: to work an opener shift until three in the afternoon. Because being manager meant that she had to deal with the shit that she hated. It also meant that she missed out on seeing her girlfriend in the garage, covered in grease and sweat and rubbing her body all over beautiful cars, but, instead, she got to trudge through slush to and from the bus station.

At least Cindy only had one car on the docket, and would be coming to pick her up from work. Thank the gods. Cindy, with her nice old Crown City beauty that she’d gotten from her grandfather. Cindy, with snow in her hair.

Aranea was so out of it, thinking about Cindy with grease on her nose and snow in her hair, that she walked directly into the back of the person standing in the middle of the sidewalk at the corner of the block. “Sorry!” She yelped, and looked up to see— “Monica?”

The Crownsguard lieutenant was looking her usual self: she pretended to be a dumpy forty-something mother of three, and then could snap bones like twigs. Aranea could appreciate that. It helped to pass as something totally harmless. “Oh!” Monica laughed and gave her a bruising hug. “Aranea! I was just about to go over to M.T. and see if you were in!” The Crownsguard tended to support M.T. over Kingsglaive for three reasons:

1) Drautos had been a crappy boss, apparently, and they all still liked to spite him,

2) Cor was dating Ardyn, for reasons unknown to the entire rest of mankind,

3) Drautos had banned quad-shots from the menu because of Nyx and the Great Disaster of ‘53, so you had to get them at M.T.

Aranea was perfectly down with that, because it meant she got to see them all more often, and she seriously enjoyed spending time with most of the Crownsguard.

“I was just heading over to open. Do you want something? I can whip it up quick.”

“Oh, no!” Monica laughed. “Well, I mean, yes, but that wasn’t actually why I was coming over. I was coming over because...” as she trailed off Aranea looked around the other woman, and blinked at the block. There were two Crownsguard vehicles with their lights on parked horizontally on either end of the street, blocking it off from traffic, and metal fences had been erected around Kingsglaive’s front door. Monica was at one end, and if Aranea craned her neck, she could see someone at the other side. Drautos, looking grumpy as hell, was by the front door of the café speaking to several men and women in uniform.

Right.

Couple’s Day.

“They’re having a date, aren’t they?” Aranea had basically answered her own question, and Monica rubbed her temples.

“With the whole family. Cor’s about ready to bite someone, and trust me when I say I would rather it be Ardyn than me.”

“I think Ardyn would rather Cor bite him, to be totally honest.” Monica and Aranea made the exact same face. It was one rather similar to the face you made while sucking on a lemon, but was actually the face you made because you knew way too much about your boss’ sex life.

“Well, I wanted to come over and let you guys know that we’ve had to block off the street, and that if Noctis, Gladio, and Iris try and sneak out of Kingsglaive to just let them hide somewhere.” Aranea made a face; technically, the Prince and his siblings had been _strongly encouraged_ by their father not to go to M.T. When she’d previously asked Cor about why, he’d said it had something to do with the fact that the King hated Ardyn. When she’d pressed him for details, all she’d gotten was it was some kind of Blood Feud and [it involved bike horns](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8821804/chapters/20226931), and he had gone stoic and refused to say any more.

“You want to come over and have the first pot, then?”

“ _Please._ ”

 

 

Ardyn showed up grumpy and a little late at nine, his hair artfully tousled and his eyeliner flawless. “’I have to go to work early,’” he imitated Cor’s deadpan gravelly morning voice as he banged about the back room of the shop digging up their shipping logs to do orders for the next two weeks. “’I’m sure your eyeliner is very nice but I can’t stop to look. It’ll still be just as nice when I get off work.’” The clunk of him throwing the binder onto the break room table was so loud Aranea at the front counter could hear it. “I’m going to cry my eyes out and completely ruin it now. What good is a boyfriend if they don’t tell you how nice your eyeliner is. I didn’t even jab myself _once_.”

Ardyn was wearing nine scarves. That was a worrying number of scarves. Eleven usually started being the cutoff for when he got dumped.

Biggs, who was making brunch for the couple of Crownsguard who had come wandering around looking exhausted from setting up the perimeter at five, glowered in Ardyn’s general direction. “If they break up on Couple’s Day again, I’m going to set fire to my own hair.”

“You and me both.”

 

 

At ten, the group chat for M.T. (“Bossman Loves You :-)”) buzzed.

 

16875442388: We are inbound.

16875442388: Ardyn, remember what I told you about trying to start a fight with the king and how not-sexy I can make being arrested.

…………...slime man: :-(…………...slime man

 

At half-past ten precisely, the cars on the end of the street pulled apart and let through a black Crown City model, unremarkable but perfect as the entire royal fleet was, and the Regalia behind it arced to a smooth, perfect stop. Well, the former did. The latter was not nearly as well parked. The King's notoriously choppy, short-tempered driving was visible from a mile away.

Aranea, who was wiping down the front counter because she had nothing else to do since most of their clientele had been driven away by the huge hullabaloo across the street, got elbowed as Ardyn scrunched in next to her—he had divested himself of one whole scarf, which could have meant anything, and he twirled one finger around a thick lock of his red hair. “Where is he?” Ardyn whispered, craning his neck as the King climbed out of the driver’s side of the Regalia; looking spotless as ever in a black double-breasted suit, Clarus coming right behind him with Iris latched onto his back like a whelk while Gladio and Noctis struggled out of the back of the car in a knot that made them look a lot younger than their twenties, Gladio with his brother’s head trapped under his arm and the Prince strugglingly vainly to get out.

The front door of the other car opened, and Cor slid out.

“He wore the _beret!_ ” Ardyn could squeal like a girl if he tried, and Aranea tried to avoid letting her lip curl. In-uniform, the Marshal of the Crownsguard looked like literally the exact opposite of his significant other, who was currently standing next to her in a pair of deep-green pinstripe suit pants, a low-cut poet shirt in a maroon as deep as his hair with gold threading and elaborate cuffs, and _eight scarves_. Cor was, indeed, in full uniform—Crownsguard jacket suitpressed and buttoned up to his neck under his black peacoat (that he had apparently wrested back from Ardyn), black slacks, black combat boots, sword at his hip, and his beret so straight you could have measured it with a ruler.

Ardyn stared at him, doe-eyed, and sighed.

Aranea gagged.

After a moment, Cor turned to follow the Royal family into Kingsglaive, and for just a moment, looked in M.T—and waved at Ardyn, who was busily pretending that he was doing something with the till, and resolutely not looking in the other man’s direction at all. “I’m just going to go do some stock sorting,” Ardyn said, breezily, and slid back out from behind the counter, as Aranea got her phone out, swiped to text just Cor.

 

[SPIDER]: hes a literal cat

[SPIDER]: youre dating a cat

16875442388: And here I thought that you were the one of us who regularly got pussy.

[SPIDER]: I will block your number

 

 

Near to noon, the bell to the store rang and the three Royal children slid in, accompanied by Monica. Across the street Cor was still in parade rest at the front door of Kingsglaive, so the King was still within, but it appeared that the kids had had enough of their parents making doe eyes at one another. They were all in their royal best, but Noctis had somehow managed to slip his suitcoat and Gladio had unbuttoned his shirt most of the way down despite the February chill, and Iris had gotten tired of her dress and pulled a pair of jeggings out from gods-only-knew where and she winked at Aranea before skipping into the bathroom to change.

“You kids can hang out in the break room.” Aranea waved them back. “Monica told me you’d be over.” She opened the biscotti container on the front counter and passed a stick to Gladio and two to Noctis. “One of those is for Iris, whenever she’s out.”

“What, on the house?” Noctis looked surprised, and Aranea shrugged. He didn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, and he and Gladio scarpered to the back room. Iris joined them soon after, and their chattering laughter lightened up the almost painfully romantic mood in the main café, all couples looking gooey at each other.

At lunch, Ardyn came out of his office, down two more scarves. “They’re still over there?” He asked, not turning around as he crouched down with his back to the front door, digging in the milk fridge.

“Yup,” Aranea replied, chewing on the back end of her pen as she worked on writing out some mixes for their special spring drinks. Something sakura, for sure, but sakura and coffee was always a difficult balance. “Probably stayed for lunch.” As she said it, she was watching Cor speak tersely to someone inside Kingsglaive, and then straighten his beret and come across the street. He was probably coming over to pick up the wayward Royal family, who had skipped out on parent bonding time but now needed to go home. On-duty, the Marshal was so sharp you could cut glass with him, and he opened the door to the shop, snow dusting his shoulders.

Aranea raised her eyebrows, smiling.

“Ardyn,” Cor said, and her boss jumped, startled, tried to stand up, and smacked the back of his head on the counter. He doubled over, clutching the offending injury as he yelped in pain. Aranea bit the inside of her lip. Hard. She did not laugh.

A moment later, as if the former had never happened, like a cat who has just tripped over nothing and pretends that they meant to do that, Ardyn spun to his feet, one hand still clutching the back of his skull and the other holding an open container of whipped cream. “Cor!” He cried in delight, kicked the door to the fridge shut, and began his regular graceful _I am gay and you can’t touch me_ float across the café.

Aranea, on the other hand, got to watch in slow-motion as the scarf he had closed in the door of the fridge caught, and trailed behind him. It was a long one, and hung down to his knees, so he didn’t notice until it had managed to unravel almost all the way around his neck—and then it caught. His momentum was too much.

With a shout, Ardyn was jerked backwards by his scarf. In one beautiful series of movements that could not have been better choreographed if he’d been in a sitcom, Ardyn’s legs went out from under him, he threw his arms up in the air, the whipped cream can hit the ceiling just as he fell flat on his ass, and he got a face full of half-fluffed whipped cream as he dropped back to one elbow.

The entire café was very quiet, except for the sound from the break room of Iris snapping about seventeen photos in less than three seconds. Aranea had to hold onto the edge of the counter as her laugh bubbled up in her throat and then turned into ugly, ungainly hooting that left her clutching her stomach and wheezing, doubled over and nauseous.

Cor, still standing in the middle of the café, slowly put his face in both of his hands. “Are you all right?” His usually-staid voice came out strangled, and his shoulders were shaking with badly-restrained laughter.

“No,” Ardyn said, miserably, from the floor. He licked the whipped cream off of his mouth, smearing his lip gloss, before he continued. “I don’t need any help. I’m going to lay here until I die so that I never have to see any of you ever again.”

“Sent,” Iris said. “I betcha Father is going to _love_ this. I’ll forward it to you, Aranea.” Her phone buzzed as Iris said it.

“Is everyone to see me in my hour of sorrow?” Ardyn asked. Rhetorically. Aranea already had her phone out and was sending the photo on to ANAAL. “I can’t believe that you take photos of me when I’m at my lowest, just like—“ he paused, and sat straight up, flailing like an aggravated octopus until he got disentangled from his scarf, and grabbed the much-dented can of whipped cream, pointed it accusatorially at Aranea. “Like at the holiday party! You were all taking photos at the holiday party! Of me on the counter! With duct tape on the ceiling!” She could practically see him thinking. “With _Nyx_. That’s why he refuses to speak to me.”

“What,” Aranea choked, laughing, “Did you hit your head so hard you remembered?” Cor was coming over and took a handful of paper napkins from a table before he crouched beside Ardyn, helplessly trying to wipe the whipped cream off of his face. His eyeliner was definitely ruined. Ardyn glowered at her.

“Mark my words, Aranea Highwind,” he swore, with all the solemnity of an oath, “When I find out what I did that involved duct tape and my ceiling and _Nyx Ulric_ , I am going to personally find you and do the same to you.”

“I’m terrified,” she lied, literally unable to keep the grin off of her face.

 

 

[SPIDER]: Attachment: facial.png

Drautos: who titled this

Drautos: I am not dling this

[KNIFEx3]: holy shit ara

[KNIFEx3]: didnt know you were into that

[KNIFEx3]: when are you gonna tell cindy?

[SPIDER]: I DIDNT TITLE IT IRIS DID

[SPIDER]: I DONT EVEN WANT TO KNOW HOW SHE KNOWS WHAT THAT IS

biggy: I knew you when you were seventeen

biggy: you knew.

Big Guy™: what is going ON over there?

[CROW]: why can’t I work there?

[CROW]: drautos I quit im moving across the street

Drautos: 2wks notice exists, crowe

[KNIFEx3]: can I print this out and hang it from our front window

[KNIFEx3]: so he sees it every morning

Lazarus: dont y

Lazarus: oh

Lazarus: okay yes print that out and hang it in the front window

Lazarus: as GM I approve this message

Drautos: l,

weggy: the ONE TIME im out of the room this shit happens

Big Guy™: wait did you people actually download that

[CROW]: IM HOWLING

[SPIDER]: JUST DO IT LIB

Big Guy™: That sure is. Something.

16875442388: I really feel like that photo is false advertising.

16875442388: He looks way better with an actual facial.

[SPIDER]: i will throw you out of this chat.

16875442388: Just saying.

 

 

[SPIDER]: cin, look

[SPIDER]: Attachment: facial.png

[HOTROD][HEART]: ara

[SPIDER]: would I send you something that wasnt great

[HOTROD][HEART]: all right, honey

[SPIDER]: please I want to print it out and frame it

[HOTROD][HEART]: holy shit

[HOTROD][HEART]: what did he DO

[SPIDER][HEART]: I wish someone had filmed it in the moment

[HOTROD][HEART]: your workplace is Wild

[SPIDER]: u tellin me

 

 

[FLOWER!!!] to [SPIDER][KNIFEx3][CROW][MOON][FISH][BOOTS][FORK+KNIFE][CAMERA]16875442388 Big Guy™ Lazarus Drautos Monica 15378282688 biggy weggy [SNOWFLAKE] [unlisted number] [unlisted number] [PILE OF POO] Cid 36242577729: here’s the whole photostream

[FLOWER!!!]: with great power comes great responsibility and all that!

[FLOWER!!!]: don’t use it all in one place!

[unlisted number]: It has been forty-five years.

[unlisted number]: No, Reg.

Cid: Ignore him, do it.

[unlisted number]: Finally.

[unlisted number]: Revenge.

[unlisted number]: I’m putting these on the private holiday cards this winter.

16875442388: Your Majesty, my boyfriend is not your embarrassing holiday photo.

[unlisted number]: He is now.


	4. an interlude told through interpretive texting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lASSarus: wait THATS what he did  
> lASSarus: and here I thought this whole time it was something really awful  
> lASSarus: thats a grade school prank  
> [KNIFEx3][GUN]: I stayed like that until the following morning  
> [KNIFEx3][GUN]: after having five of the biggy/weggy Monster Mashes and losing vodka pong. which is like beer pong but more ill-advised.  
> lASSarus: I take everything I just said back  
> lASSarus: you are a strong man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just so everyone knows before you read down there are spoilers for chapter 13 in cor's text logs, so be warned before you get there

March: _records taken from the phone of Crowe Altius_

 

[KNIFEx3]: I found the outfit I wore to the holiday party

[KNIFEx3]: apparently I never washed it

[KNIFEx3]: I must have been so hungover

[CROW]: still covered in duct tape?

[KNIFEx3]: still covered in duct tape.

 

[CROW]: what did ravus say?

[MOON][WHITE HEART]: He said he will not come to join us at M.T for brunch

[CROW]: is it because of the holiday party?

[MOON][WHITE HEART]: He informed me that Ardyn threatened to “do the same to him” as he had to Nyx if he ever set foot on the premises again after losing the vodka pong contest.

CROW]: ardyn really doesnt like your brother

[CROW]: not that I blame him

[CROW]: your brother is kinda a dick

[MOON][WHITE HEART]: Not very many people like him.

[MOON][WHITE HEART]: It is a perfectly valid opinion to have.

[CROW]: so it’s a date without your brother then?

[MOON][WHITE HEART]: Yes!

 

[SPIDER][LIPSTICK]: cid wants me to come to dinner

[SPIDER][LIPSTICK]: can I borrow your jacket

[SPIDER][LIPSTICK]: the one with the studs?

[CROW]: what are you going full goth femme?

[SPIDER][LIPSTICK]: [LIPSTICK][LIPSTICK][LIPSTICK][NAIL POLISH][HEELS]!!!

[CROW]: hell yes

[CROW]: be the goth lesbian of your dreams

 

Drautos: can u come in early tmr?

Drautos: I kno its ur date nite

Drautos: something came up w king

[CROW]: you got it

Drautos: ty

 

[FLOWER!!!]: crowe!!

[FLOWER!!!]: I need your advice with my hair!!

[CROW]: whats up princess

[FLOWER!!!]: my brother says I should buzz it like the rest of the amicitia

[CROW]: your brother looks like he’s wearing a dead polecat on his head

[CROW]: you should dye pink streaks

[CROW]: my professional opinion as the alpha lesbian

[FLOWER!!!]: oooh!

[FLOWER!!!]: youre gonna make him cry!

[FLOWER!!!]: im keeping that insult!

[FLOWER!!!]: im going to dye it pink!

[CROW]: can you give royal pardons if your father finds out it was me

[FLOWER!!!]: no

[FLOWER!!!]: but I can pout pretty cutely

[FLOWER!!!]: so I think you’re safe!

[CROW]: cool

 

* * *

 

April: _records taken from the phone of Nyx Ulric_

 

lASSarus: stop wearing the same uniform pants to work

lASSarus: they’re getting ratty.

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: I need to buy another pair

lASSarus: you owned like three pairs

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: I own two pairs

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: ardyn ruined the third pair

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: I tried washing them and got duct tape residue in the machine

lASSarus: wtf did he even do to you, anyway

lASSarus: nobody would ever say

lASSarus: bc of aranea’s stupid gag rule

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: Attachment: nyxishunglikeahorse.zip

lASSarus: really?

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: hey ravus named it

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: not me

lASSarus: disgusting.

lASSarus: wait THATS what he did

lASSarus: and here I thought this whole time it was something really awful

lASSarus: thats a grade school prank

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: I stayed like that until the following morning

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: after having five of the biggy/weggy Monster Mashes and losing vodka pong. which is like beer pong but more ill-advised.

lASSarus: I take everything I just said back

lASSarus: you are a strong man.

 

Dadtos: nyx

Dadtos: have u seen

Dadtos: my old crownsguard uni

Dadtos: I need it 4 that dinner

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: nope

Dadtos: shit

 

[SPIDER][KINFE]: hey you coming over friday

[SPIDER][KINFE]: crowe and luna are coming

[SPIDER][KINFE]: so is cin

[SPIDER][KINFE]: youre invited

[SPIDER][KINFE]: libertus is not

[SPIDER][KINFE]: girls night in + nyx

[SPIDER][KINFE]: byob and nail polish

[SPIDER][KINFE]: you can come w me to work

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: hell fuckin yes

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: I trust you ara

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: you wont forget me overnight

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: again

[SPIDER][KINFE]: It was the one time

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: never forgive never forget

 

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: Attachment: tickets.pdf

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: thats all of them

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: you each owe me 1000 gil

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: libtertus we still meeting at your place?

Big Friend™: yep

Big Friend™: drautos is letting me borrow the car to get to the train station

Big Friend™: pelna is going to meet us at the station

#pella: im backpacking

#pella: going extra-light baby

[CROW][MOTORCYCLE]: ill actually meet you in galahd

[CROW][MOTORCYCLE]: luna wants to come

[CROW][MOTORCYCLE]: meet nyxs parents

[CROW][MOTORCYCLE]: so ravus is going to drive us both out

[CROW][MOTORCYCLE]: im preemptively sorry to your mom, nyx

Big Friend™: does ravus have to come?

[CROW][MOTORCYCLE]: he said something about “guarding luna’s dignity” so yeah, I guess so

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: cool then just print your ticket and we’ll see you in galahd on may 11

 

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: Attachment: quintshot.pdf

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: can I make this

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: its not a quad

Dadtos: no

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: it isnt

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: come on dont be a bore

Dadtos: no

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: please?

Dadtos: I will not b responsible 4 putting u in the hospital

Dadtos: again

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: fine

 

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: hey

[FISH]: ?

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: get your dad to text me

[FISH]: which one?

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: HRM

[FISH]: ok why

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: I need a favour

[FISH]: like what kind are we talking monetary or illegal or

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: I literally just need him to look at something

[FISH]: you know hed probably give you his number if you asked

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: that is a step too far for me my dude

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: texting the prince? Chill

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: texting the king? What if I accidentally misfire and send him a sext?

[FISH]: I never want to think about that again in my life

 

blocked number: Noctis says you need something

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: check this out

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: Attachment: quintshot.pdf

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: drautos wont let me make it

blocked number: Where did you find this?

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: trade secret

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: if you can give me a royal edict or something that drautos cant ignore

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: ill make em on the house

blocked number: I will speak to Titus.

blocked number: I want eight, immediately.

[KNIFEx3][GUN]: knew I could count on you, your majesty

blocked number: [THUMBS-UP]

 

* * *

 

May: _records taken from the phone of Cor Leonis_

 

16875442388: P E4

His Royal Majesty Regis Lucis Caelum CXIII: N F6

16875442388: P E5

His Royal Majesty Regis Lucis Caelum CXIII: N D5

16875442388: P D4

 

16875442388: Attachment: May_Week_1_Crownsguard_Schedule.xls

Monica Elshett: thx

 

16875442388: Ardyn changed his ringtone for me to be him moaning.

Aranea Highwind: why are you telling us this

16875442388: Because if I have to have it go off in the middle of a meeting with the First Secretary of Accordo, all of you have to suffer with me.

Titus Drautos: LOL rip

Crowe Altius: why is your boyfriend gross

16875442388: Some things are not meant to be known by mortal men.

 

16875442388: Ardyn did you have to wear that scarf on the night we’re having dinner with the Crownsguard lieutenants.

Ardyn L. C. Izunia: Why, do you not like this one ? :-(…………...slime man

16875442388: It’s the one I came on last time you tied me up.

Ardyn L. C. Izunia: I know :-)…………...slime man

 

His Royal Majesty Regis Lucis Caelum CXIII: P D6

16875442388: N F3

His Royal Majesty Regis Lucis Caelum CXIII: P G6

16875442388: B C4

His Royal Majesty Regis Lucis Caelum CXIII: N B6

16875442388: B B3

 

Clarus Amicitia: what if I took him to galdin for his birthday?

16875442388: I feel like he would be anxious that he wasn’t working.

Clarus Amicitia: that would be the point

16875442388: But then he wouldn’t be relaxing he would just be worrying.

Clarus Amicitia: need a new plan.

 

16875442388: Attachment: May_Week_2_Crownsguard_Schedule.xls

Monica Elshett: thx

 

His Royal Highness Noctis Lucis Caelum: can you pick me up 3 dragons beards, 2 nereids, and 5 bomber: bombs

16875442388: Anything else?

His Royal Highness Noctis Lucis Caelum: nope

 

16875442388: I’m going to be in a meeting until noon.

16875442388: Do not text me anything weird.

16875442388: Do not text me at all unless it’s an emergency.

Ardyn L. C. Izunia: Okay :-)…………...slime man

Ardyn L. C. Izunia: If I had 8 limbs like an octopus I’d touch you with all of them !…………...slime man

Ardyn L. C. Izunia: At the same time .…………...slime man

16875442388: Ardyn.

Ardyn L. C. Izunia: :-3c…………...slime man

16875442388: That is the exact opposite of the thing I just asked you to do.

 

Clarus Amicitia: new shoes?

16875442388: A knee brace would be more practical.

Clarus Amicitia: he doesn’t like to be reminded.

16875442388: It would still be more practical.

 

16875442388: Is the 19th a good day?

Cid Sophiar: 9:20

Cid Sophiar: if ur late its coming out of ur hide

16875442388: That’s fine.

16875442388: Bringing Kingsglaive coffee.

Cid Sophiar: drautos still banned quads?

16875442388: Yes.

Cid Sophiar: bring mt

 

His Royal Majesty Regis Lucis Caelum CXIII: B G6

16875442388: N BD2

His Royal Majesty Regis Lucis Caelum CXIII: Pass.

16875442388: P H3

 

16875442388: Attachment: May_Week_3_Crownsguard_Schedule.xls

Monica Elshett: thx

 

Nyx Ulric: can I borrow your sword?

16875442388: No.

 

Clarus Amicitia: illustrated copy of the cosmogony?

16875442388: He has three.

Clarus Amicitia: I’m running out of ideas.

 

16875442388: Attachment: May_Week_4_Crownsguard_Schedule.xls

Monica Elshett: thx

 

His Royal Majesty Regis Lucis Caelum CXIII: P A9

16875442388: P A4

His Royal Majesty Regis Lucis Caelum CXIII: P E5

 

16875442388: Don’t let him forget June 5 is our anniversary.

16875442388: He can’t open.

Aranea Highwind: shit youre right

 

Clarus Amicitia: did you already get that upgrade he wanted to the Regalia with the no-dirt fiberglass paint?

16875442388: Yes.

Clarus Amicitia: dammit.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 16875442388: Aranea, I am weak. (Unread) (4:01 AM)  
> 16875442388: In my defence: (Unread) (4:01 AM)  
> 16875442388: He used underhanded tactics. (Unread) (4:01 AM)  
> 16875442388: And several illegal moves. (Unread) (4:02 AM)  
> 16875442388: You can’t blame me entirely for telling him. (Unread) (4:02 AM)  
> 16875442388: I was coerced. (Unread) (4:03 AM)  
> 16875442388: I did my best, and therefore no-one can criticise me. (Unread) (4:09 AM)

16875442388: Aranea, I am weak. (Unread) (4:01 AM)

16875442388: In my defence: (Unread) (4:01 AM)

16875442388: He used underhanded tactics. (Unread) (4:01 AM)

16875442388: And several illegal moves. (Unread) (4:02 AM)

16875442388: You can’t blame me entirely for telling him. (Unread) (4:02 AM)

16875442388: I was coerced. (Unread) (4:03 AM)

16875442388: I did my best, and therefore no-one can criticise me. (Unread) (4:09 AM)

 

 

At five, when her alarm went off, Aranea glared blearily at the unread texts. It took a long time for the words to sink in, and then she narrowed her eyes. _What had Ardyn done_? What had Cor been weak to?

Well, it didn’t matter. She let her hand fall limp to the mattress, covering up her phone as her alarm rang out. It was too late now. The cat was out of the bag.

 

 

The way the holiday party had started, you would never have thought that it would have ended the way that it did—that was, only if you didn’t know half the guests. They were pretty predictable, in all honesty. The kind of shit that ended up topping off the evening was, in all honesty, exactly what Aranea had expected from the get-go.

Ravus had arrived two hours late to the holiday party, citing some kind of bullshit excuse that started with “deposition” and Aranea had immediately tuned out after that word because spoiler alert: she did not care. Since he was technically only tagging along because he didn’t trust a bunch of food-service gremlins with his precious sister, they’d started without him, and continued without him. By the time Ravus had shown up, Biggs and Wedge had gotten out the tequila and were making Monster Mashes for everyone who wanted one, Crowe and Nyx had gotten into a knife-game contest, Ardyn had drunk enough that what little filter he possessed to begin with was gone, and Luna and Aranea were busily testing out whether or not flavoured vodka actually tasted like any of the flavours it was listed as (cappuccino did, the rest did not).

Ravus had completely missed out on the earlier night events, which included getting Cor drunk enough to start begging info on Ardyn. This year the topic at hand had been nipple piercings, yay or nay, and like most years, they’d gotten shitall in answer.

It was a small gathering this year—Libertus had to go out of town, Drautos and Luche ignored their invitation because they were so good at being competent adults, and most of the significant others who had been invited knew better than to let their guards _too_ far down. Still, it was Nyx telling stories of the shit he and Crowe and Libertus had gotten into back in Galahd that brought up the topic of beer-pong, and by then, it had been too late.

“I,” Ardyn had said imperiously, draped over Cor’s lap and half of the chair next to him, sipping something furiously purple that he would not name through a swirly straw, “Have never lost a game of beer pong in my entire life.” He jabbed Cor with his elbow until Cor, slightly buzzed and all the more taciturn for it, had nodded. Wearily. “I challenge you both to a duel.”

“What?” Nyx had laughed. “At the same time?”

“Yes at the same time!” Ardyn raised his cup, eyebrows arched into his hairline, “Unless you think you can’t take me? I’m happy to have a tournament.”

“I was quite the champion during law school myself.” Ravus, whenever he spoke, consistently sounded like he had something really unpleasant shoved in his nose. Luna looked up from trying birthday cake vodka, and laughed.

“Crowe can beat you!”

Her brother had flushed an alarming shade of purple. One that was, in fact, about the same colour as Ardyn’s hair.

“She cannot!”

“Then have a tournament!” Luna looked to Aranea. “Do you have a whiteboard to keep score?”

“Oh, yeah, totally.”

“We don’t have any beer,” Biggs had pointed out. The voice of reason when the regular voice of reason was looking a little vague because Ardyn had a hand halfway up his shirt. “So I don’t know what you’d use.”

“Well,” Ardyn gestured with his cup at all the bottles of vodka Aranea and Luna had been taste testing, “Drautos was kind enough to leave us that crap rather than attend, so we may as well make use of it. Vodka pong has a nice ring to it.”

“This,” Cor finally said, “Is a terrible idea.”

He didn’t do anything else to stop it, because Ardyn kissed him, leaving lipstick stains on his mouth, until he shut up.

“Spoilsport,” Ardyn chided, and the tournament began.

Cor was right, of course. He usually was. It was a _monumentally_ terrible idea. By the end of it, Nyx and Crowe were so blitzed that Crowe had practically toppled into her girlfriend’s lap, and Nyx was just nursing a Monster Mash to try and either get drunker or less drunk, it was unclear. The final round was between the only remaining of the four competitors, which left Ardyn—down to only three scarves and a camisole in a shade of lavender that usually could only be found in liquid medicine—and Ravus—who had somehow lost his pants—facing one another down over two tables shoved end-to-end. Aranea, who had been drinking liberally the whole time to try and get the sight of Ravus’ bare, hairy legs out of her mind’s eye, had given up on actually counting points, and was just marking tallies.

It had been the most miserable, brutal defeat that Aranea had ever borne witness to. Ardyn had chewed Ravus up like a wood chipper, and left him scrap on the ground. They’d all essentially forgotten the rules, so it lasted almost ten rounds, and by the end of it Ravus was doubled over and green about the gills and Ardyn was swaying _alarmingly_ but had not lost a single sally. “I believe,” he pointed at Ravus, holding onto the edge of the table tightly to keep from toppling over backwards, “You have lost your title.” He threw his head back and laughed. Evilly.

Ravus had gone to throw up in a bin.

Aranea wasn’t always sure of a lot of things about her boss. His history, what she knew of it, was vague and he lied about it all constantly. His definition of _personal space_ was extremely loose even at the best of times, and he didn’t seem to know how to wear proper clothes. He had “turned forty-five” every year that she’d known him. Barefoot, his hair purple in the dim half-light of M.T.’s party lights, he looked. Evil. Eviler than usual. He was, at that moment, staring at the ceiling. Cor, head pillowed on his elbow, was staring at him warily. “Whatever you’re thinking,” Cor droned, “Don’t do it.” Like that could stop the idiot train once it was going full speed ahead directly toward a cliff.

“Too late,” Ardyn replied, nonchalantly, before he left the room completely for the break room. Baffled by his exit, they’d all just returned to doing whatever it was they were doing—presently, watching Biggs and Wedge try to outdo one another in mixing drinks, mostly—and within a few minutes, the lot of them drunk, they’d forgotten Ardyn had left. Which was. Dangerous.

Until he returned.

Somehow, he had regained his hat. And about ten rolls of duct tape. He sauntered in, way more unbalanced than usual, and leaned as casually as he possibly could against the counter with both his bare arms covered in duct tape rolls. “I have a cunning plan,” he announced to the room at large. “Who wants to try it.”

Aranea had known Nyx for five years. In those five years, she had learned one very important thing about him: he had the sense of self-preservation of a toddler trying to stick a fork in an outlet. Which was why he perked up out of his drink and opened his big fat stupid mouth and said:

“I’m game.”

“Oh no,” Cor had said. _Oh no_ had turned out to be right, because Ardyn, with the help of a stepstool and Nyx as his willing (?) volunteer, proceeded to climb up onto the main counter and, going through all of his tape, construct some kind of an elaborate sling taped directly to their ceiling. An elaborate duct tape sling that Nyx climbed into, and then Ardyn strapped him the rest of the way into, so that within about half an hour Nyx was hanging from the ceiling of the café, looking fairly comfortable and sticky in a hammock made entirely out of duct tape. Ardyn, still tipsy, had leaned back and looked at his creation with an appraising eye.

“Very nice,” he said, and then hopped off of the counter. “And I’m going home now. This is now what we do to naughty children.” He levelled a glare at the party attendees. "Remember, that any of you could be next. You should all try and retain my good graces."

After that, frankly, Aranea had pretty hazy memories of the rest of the night herself, until the following morning when she had dragged her own hungover ass into the shop and turned on the lights and in surprise and alarm at the spectre waiting for her screamed herself into complete sobriety.

“What the fuck!” She had plastered her back against the front door when she’d flicked the lights on and seen only the silhouette of someone _hanging from the ceiling_. Her heart had been pounding in her throat, and her first thought had been _I am never drinking anything Biggs or Wedge make again._ For a moment, she’d thought it was a dead body but then—

“Aranea!” Nyx yelped, struggling vainly against his tape-prison. He looked exhausted and uncomfortable. “You have to get me down from here!”

“Nyx what the _fuck_!” Like saying it a second time would make it any clearer what the fuck was. “How. When did you get there?”

“Last night!” He practically wailed it and wiggled helplessly. His struggle was in vain. “You guys just all went home drunk and left me here! I haven’t peed in _five hours_ did you see how much I had to drink?” He wiggled again, the tape creaking ominously. “Quick! Get me down!” Aranea was frozen, speechless. She didn’t even know what to do.

Ardyn had taped Nyx to the ceiling, and they’d all just. Forgotten about it. And left him there.

“Why didn’t—why didn’t you text us?” Nyx waved his arms at her as best he could—Ardyn had taped them straight out in front of him like a zombie.

“No hands, Ara!”

There was nothing else for it: she just doubled over, put her head between her knees, and started shrieking with laughter.

 

 

And Ardyn had forgotten the entire thing.

 

 

It had been a solemn breakroom at opening when Aranea had to send out the mass-text that Ardyn had finally found out what had happened. There had been quiet mourning. Well, _sh_ e had quietly mourned; she had enjoyed holding it over his head. The rest of them hadn’t really cared.

After they had opened, she had just settled in to await the fallout. Ardyn waltzed in at about nine, and she could tell from the look on his face that he was in a right mood, and she was going to get the piss taken out of her. It was a warm summer day, and he’d discarded everything down to chunky boots, violet fishnets that showed off his unshaved legs, a pair of shorts that were so short that Aranea was pretty sure they made Cindy’s shorts look like full-length jeans, and a shirt that had clearly once upon a time been Cor’s, with the shoulders taken off and the sides slashed in over a long-sleeve black translucent crop-top.

He had barrettes in his hair.

He looked terrible, but in a fascinating way.

Ardyn dragged Cor in with him, the other man looking chagrined but pleased. He had about eight hickeys on his neck visible above the v-neck of his shirt, which matched the handprint bruises on Ardyn’s throat.

Aranea gagged.

“My spider,” Ardyn coasted over to her, and leaned against the counter, fluttering his eyelashes—his eyeliner was perfect, she didn’t know what eldritch monster he had sacrificed to in order to get it so perfect _all the time—_ “I believe the jig is up. You and your ANAAL chat might have been able to keep me in the dark for the past six months, but none of you prepared Cor for needing the strength to withstand my wiles.” Aranea looked at the Marshal, who shrugged, helplessly.

“How did he break you?” She asked, not really wanting to know the answer.

“It was a sex thing,” he admitted, owning up.

Aranea groaned and put her head down on the counter.

“Really though,” Ardyn continued, patting her comfortingly on the back of the head, “I don’t know why you all bothered to keep it under such _wraps_. After all, it wasn’t all that funny anyway. I’d spent all this time thinking it was something really novel.”

“Yeah,” Aranea straightened, “It wasn’t that it was _funny._ It was that we wanted to forget that you’d been able to do it so you wouldn’t do it again.”

“Oh, you and Nyx don’t need to worry.” Ardyn glanced up at Cor, who looked awkward as a splotchy flush stained his cheekbones. “If I’m hanging anyone from the ceiling again, trust me, it won’t be anyone but Cor.”

“Ew,” Aranea settled on. “Ew. I didn’t need to know that. Ew.” She inhaled as Ardyn started laughing, and continued, “Ew! That is gross! You are gross! I’m quitting so I never have to hear you say that again!”

Why did she feel like, six months out, that the holiday party _this_ year was going to be even worse than the last one.

She needed a better job.

**Author's Note:**

> im on tumblr and twitter @jonphaedrus and on twitter for xv spoilers @regisclarus


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